Confession

This morning I was looking in my BF's fridge for something to eat. There was still a can of Reddi Whip from Thanksgiving laying there in the back of the fridge.

Poor, poor lonely neglected can.

I caved to the tune of 6 mouthfuls.

Then tonight while having dinner at a buffet, I noticed that my jeans had a hole in them.  My thighs have rubbed together enough to wear a hole near my crotch.  I feel like a whale (or in this case an overfed baby mouse).

You Got Tagged

A friend of mine had a Luau themed graduation party this past Friday.  She put pics up on Facebook and I could cry.  I look so. . . large.  Somehow in my mind I keep thinking that I'm not that bad and then I see a picture with no waistline and the is-she-or-isn't-she-pregnant belly and the width and roundness of my upper arms.

I Scream, You Scream!

I was poking around the NuVal website and found a frequently asked question about ice cream.  In the past, I have sometimes opted for orange sherbert thinking it was a healthier choice than ice cream.  Reading the answer I think I feel a little silly to not have figured this out on my own.

"Why do sherbets and sorbets score lower than ice cream? I thought they would score better because of the reduced fat?

Two reasons: First, these items don’t contain positive nutrients that would raise their scores. Second, sherbets and sorbets are essentially frozen sugar water and all the calories come from sugar. NuVal is about finding the most nutrition for your calories. These items are essentially empty calories, so they rank poorly on the NuVal scale."

Puck This!

I had this great idea for winter fun that would help (not hinder) my quest for a healthy body - ice skating.  I went once last year but that was about it.  I don't actually know how to skate, but I would like to learn.  I tend to hang onto the wall a whole bunch before I get enough balance and confidence to let go and skate once around the rink without help.  I used to rollerskate like crazy as a kid, so I just know if I could get good enough at ice skating that I'd like it enough to go every week.

My BF said he used to play hockey in his younger days but his hockey skates were still somewhere at his mom's house.  Naturally, since so much time has passed, she can't find them.  Last weekend he drove up to have a look for himself and they have simply disappeared (yard sale would be my guess).  So he went to a skate shop, got measured, and tried on everything under the sun.  Then he called later to tell me that ice skating is a no-go until he loses a little weight because bending over to put the skates on and off took effort.  He said this was his wake-up call.

I just said okay and made a mental note to start going by myself.  He and I were friends for over a year and a half before we started dating and in all that time we never talked about size, weight, food, etc.  I was always a little relieved that it was never an issue.  I also assumed that he didn't have an issue with my size because he's got several inches in height and a few pounds on me.  And now I have no idea how to talk about this stuff with him.  I don't like people to see me weak or see me fail at things.  Unfortunately, I tend to quit anything I'm not really good at as a reputation saving measure - not like I plan it that way, I just do it.  I hate to fail and, yes, I'll simply move onto something else to avoid failure.  It isn't that I'm lazy ( I work hard at things I like and am good at), I just have a super difficult time accepting defeat on a psychological level.

Food Boredom

I finished up yesterday with a large helping of homemade turkey pot pie, 3/4 of an apple (the other 1/4 was used in a SALAD - yes, I finally ate one - the day before), cheese tortellini leftovers and 1 1/2 servings of steak.  I had someone cut and seal up the giant slab of meat that was on sale a bit ago.  I came so close to swinging by a drive thru while Christmas shopping, but managed to ignore the urge.  Whew!

This morning I had another bowl of oatmeal - the preflavored varieties aren't that bad.  I'll have to check the scores on it, though.  Another bologna sandwich after work and now it is lunch time.  Maybe Subway?  I have enough points on my Subway card for a free 6 inch sub.  I'm bored with food today.  The cabinets are packed, but it all has to be cooked and none of it sounds appealing anyway.

Thought for the Day: 12/02/09

All snacks are not created equal.

When 5 Pounds Feels Like a Ton

I made it back to the gym this morning and my knee seems to be doing alright.  I didn't do much - just burned off 200 calories on the elliptical and treadmill.

Unfortunately, I also stepped on the scale in the gym's bathroom before my workout.  Admittedly, it could be a little inaccurate (heck, the display covering is cracked), but the point is that I weigh 5 pounds more than last time I checked (on that very same scale).  Granted I haven't checked since the summer and I just recently started to work out again, but somehow those 5 pounds I didn't know about psychologically feels like a ton!

Normally I can drop 5-10 pounds quickly just by cutting out the fast food.  But I haven't really been eating fast food lately!  Whereas I used to go 1-2 times daily on my bad weeks, I only remember getting 1 double cheeseburger all last week.  But my pants don't fit any better, that's for sure.

This morning I had a bowl of oatmeal (Maple and Brown sugar) and a bologna sandwich after the gym.  Not a great choice, but I have to eat this food up.  I still have unhealthy and questionable things in the fridge.  The goal for my next grocery shopping trip is to not buy anything with a NuVal score less than 40.

Walk It Off

I didn't make it to the gym afterall yesterday (boo!), but it was because of two things:  1. I spent all day shopping for presents and 2. All that walking made my knee act up again.  Hopefully some of that walking helped.  My boyfriend was driving for a change and kept parking far away from all the other cars so we'd have to walk a little more to get places.  At first I thought he was just being a don't-dent-my-car elitist, but he said he liked both benefits - the exercise and the extra car protection.

Stalled Workouts

I was supposed to work out the day before Thanksgiving, but had so much to do I never made it. Then they were closed on the holiday. Then I worked my ass off (I wish it really worked that way!) on Black Friday at my retail job. And then on Saturday I mysteriously injured my right knee and spent the later half of the day limping around. Sunday it felt 50% better and it is just now today that I think I can handle the treadmill (but definitely not the elliptical). I don't have time set aside today for the gym, though, but if I don't I'm going to be SO ticked off at myself. It'll be the "I quit" cycle starting all over again.

I will get to the gym. I swear it.

Enemy in My Own House

My roommate is trying to sabotage me. Not intentionally, of course, but over the past week of Thanksgiving she's whipped up a full holiday spread and three pies. Not one bit of it was health conscious! Butter and fat drippings and sugar and so on and so forth.

This isn't the first time I've mentioned to her that her ways are bad for me. When she brings chips or sweets into the house, I scoff, "Great, just what we need".

Yesterday when we were hungry at 4:30pm, but had dinner plans for 6pm, I suggested an apple or handful of nuts. But she declined and said it was okay. I warned about letting the hunger get too extreme and then we'd overeat, but she said it wasn't a big deal. So we met our friend at 6pm for dinner, split an appetizer and cleaned our plates. Normally we skip the appetizer and just eat about 3/4 of the meal saving the rest as leftovers.

Now my roommate is not on a "get healthy kick". She has about the same amount of weight to lose as I do, but she's declined every offer of mine to include her. Honestly, I'm not even trying to help her out; I'm being selfish and trying to help myself out. It would be a tremendous help if she'd be my gym buddy or start cooking better foods or take a walk with me in the evenings. But she says the $10/mo for the gym membership is just too much to handle right now and her fatty meals are still better than eating out because there aren't preservatives and she's just too tired to walk after work or school.

We were grocery shopping and I was looking at the NuVal scores to make some of my decisions. I never knew how bad my cereal choices were and I try to avoid what I think are the super sugary ones, but I was seriously misinformed. And when it came time for bread my usual wheat selection turned out to be rated really low, but I found another whole wheat that rated a 43 (the best score on the whole shelf!). I discussed all this with her so she knew why I was picking different items. The following day she went out to purchase a loaf of white bread (with a NuVal of 4!) because she "grew up with white bread sandwiches".

I know I probably sound petty bitching about this stuff, but it isn't just the bread. It's the ice cream in the freezer, the Pop Tarts in the cupboard, the cookies, crackers, and chips on top of the fridge, and the chocolate peanut butter on the counter. Don't even get me started on the bacon, egg, sausage, and cheese breakfasts!

I don't need this. I need support! My whole idea is to make small changes that start adding up then medium changes that result in some real progress. But I'm finding small changes difficult to do without someone saying, "You're right. Let's do it this way for a change and see how we feel."

If nobody is around to see you stuff your face. . .

. . . does it still count?

Yes. Yes. Sadly yes.

You'll notice that I didn't finish my food log from Friday (and now I can't remember what I ate) and that I didn't post all weekend. I'm not really home on the weekends as I spend most of it hanging with my man. Ok, that may sound really clingy, but it really isn't. We run errands together and watch movies and we don't always see each other during the week. Unfortunately, this weekend we ate at a buffet one day and had bacon and eggs and grits another.

When I mentioned how awful some of our choices were and that we weren't supposed to be doing these things anymore, he replied with, "I'm going more of the Weight Watchers route."
"Which is what?" I asked.
"Good during the week and a little more lenient on the weekends."

Hmmmmm. . . I'm not sure I can hang with that. Because my first "lenient weekend" also included a Twinkie and a piece of chocolate and a slice of cheesecake (at the buffet) and tons of soft drinks and no exercise whatsoever.

I'm horrible at listing everything I've eaten in a day and I'm wondering if I can be good over the weekends if my man is being a little less good. (Sigh)

I've also been thinking about my meat consumption. In reading about what a portion size of meat is (ex: the same size as a deck of cards or the palm of your hand), I've realized I seriously overeat when it comes to meat. I'd say on average, my daily consumption is about 1 - 1.5 pounds of meat.

Holy red meat, Batman! That's about three to five times more than the recommended daily allowance. And even worse than that is if I quit eating all that meat then I have to replace it with fruits and veggies! Noooooooooooooooooo!

I'll be hitting the gym today.

But Who's Really Counting?

Today's food thus far:

1 banana
1 bowl of maple and brown sugar oatmeal - 200 calories
3/4 cup dry Honey Nut Cheerios - 110 calories


I'm not really counting calories because I'll drive myself nuts trying to look everything up - I know, I've tried it before. I list the calories only if I know it. I only know the caloric content when I'm trying to decide between two different things. My hope is that I'll figure out what things are horrible for me that I've been thinking aren't so bad all along.

Exercise:
Burned just over 300 calories with cardio on the treadmill (Alpine Pass program again) and the Precor thingy (I don't really know what the machine is called - it is a circular running-ish type of movement).

Did the 30 minute circuit of weight machines - 15 reps of each exercise.

10 crunches in each position (legs straight, legs bent, ankles crossed). I couldn't do any more than 10 and I forgot to do legs in the air position.

I felt like I could get back on the treadmill and walk for a bit more calorie burning, but I also don't want to make myself so sore that I don't go back.

Are the Weight Machines Edible?

Why am I absolutely ravenous every time I walk out of the gym? I've tried carrying along an apple or banana to eat afterwards and it helps, but I'm still rummaging through the cabinets as soon as I get home. This weekend I'm going to try to put together a list of healthier snacks that I can have on hand or make easily for those gotta-have-it times.

I was reading someone else's blog and they mentioned that type of hunger where you'll eat about anything. You know the kind. . . when all of a sudden you go from "Sure, I could eat" to "Feed me anything right now or I'm going to start eating you!" Oh, I've SO been there. Now this is separate from the hungry after working out thing. This is the time when hunger turns me into a raving bitch. Anyway, this other blog mentioned that it was a blood sugar thing. Really? Is that what is going on? I don't really know anything about blood sugar spikes and crashes so it may be something about which I should do a little reading.

Polishing off the HoHo's

Today was not a good day. I planned to do a yoga DVD I have at home instead of the gym, but never got around to either. The kid had a half day of school (how exactly does 2 hours and 45 minutes count as a half day??). Initially, I thought about taking him to the park to run off some energy. I was hoping that I'd get a little exercise and he'd be too pooped to stay up late. (Lately he's been unable to get to sleep until about an hour passed his scheduled bedtime and then he's really tired - and looks it - in the morning). Well the park didn't happen either.

I completely crashed! I had a sweet craving and ate a HoHo. It wasn't satisfying, because at the rate I inhaled it I could barely taste the darn thing! So I ate another. Then looked at the box which quoted a serving size as 3 HoHo's. Weeeeeeelllll, there was only one more left in the box so I might as well (said the evil one on my shoulder). And there you have it: 340 calories of HoHo's in less than 5 minutes. I was kind of pissed at myself for being so weak and then I was so insanely tired that I napped rather than going to the park. The kid played computer games while I did this. Definitely NOT Mother of the Year material today.

Today's Food:
1 banana

1 Sloppy Joe sandwich on too much Italian bread.

1 package of Oriental Ramen noodle (for the record, I only use 1/2 the seasoning packet to cut the sodium and because it tastes just fine that way - but why do they quote a serving size as 1/2 a block of noodles? Who is only going to cook 1/2 the package? That's madness!)

5 Mozzerella Cheese Sticks - the nasty fried kind from Denny's. My roommate ended up not getting me that bagel last night. She brought these home instead. I ate only 2 trying to be good, but then succumbed to the rest throughout the day.

About 8oz of Root Beer

Grilled cheese and meatloaf sandwich - trying to finish off some leftovers.

Day One

Exercise: Treadmill
10 minutes of walking, then used the Alpine Pass program for 45 min. (max speed: 3.5, max incline: 4.0)

I initially set it for a speed of 4.0, but that was too fast of a walk to maintain without fearing that I'd fall off the treadmill. (Wouldn't that be a sight?) In the future if I go above 3.5, I'd might as well kick it up over 4 which would be a slight jog. I don't think I can jog at this point for more than 20 seconds.

*Starving after my time at the gym!*

Food: 3 pork sausage patties, about 600 calories total. Unfortunately they were Buy One, Get Two Free so I have a lot to eat up! This is how being poor screws you up.
1/2 an orange
1/2 cup of apple sauce
1 cup of macaroni and cheese
1 inch slab of Turkey meatloaf
1/2 cup of cheesy potato casserole
1/2 cup of butternut squash
1 banana
3 fish sticks


And my friend is bringing me a Cinnamon Crunch Bagel w/ cream cheese from Panera Bread tonight. I can't say no to that. I even looked it up and the bagel is 430 calories + 100 for the cream cheese. Dammit, but I love them and I rarely get them. (Whine, whine).

Partner in Crime

Today was the first day back in the gym AGAIN. Yes, I am starting over yet again. But this time it wasn't even my idea. For the past 2 weeks I've said, "I need to get back to the gym!" But each day passed and not one attempt was made, because I let everything else get in the way.

Last night my guy looked at me and said, "I'm going to get in shape and look hot and I don't think you want me to do it without you." Holy crap.

We've only been dating less than 2 weeks, but we've been friends for over a year and a half. He's a big guy, but not in a disgusting way. I like him and spending time with him, he's cute, and he's never made me feel fat. In fact, we've never talked about weight at all. Ever.

But last night he threw down the gauntlet. There are things we both want to change: our unhealthy lifestyle, our finances (stick to a budget, find fun money, etc), and we want to, as Ghandi put it, be the change we want in the world. In his eyes a competition between us in terms of getting healthy is the way to go. Maybe he's right; I really don't know. All I know is that I don't care what it takes to motivate me, I just NEED some help.

At the very least, since we have the same goals the next time one of us says, "I'm broke, hungry, and don't feel like cooking. Buffet?" The other person won't automatically say, "Yes, let's go!"
Hopefully, that will count for something.

Again and again and again and again. . .

Christ almighty, this is my second day back at the gym after starting and stopping about four times since my last post (5 months ago). This is the state of affairs: I went on vacation and spent time in a swanky hotel complete with a scale. It said 230.

Oh.My.Fucking.God. For the third time in my life I officially weigh more than I ever have. I found new stretch marks (tiny purple ones) starting across my belly.

That's it. I'm done.

I don't know what to do about monitoring my food. I just never stick to anything - writing it down, counting calories, eating only off of small plates, whatever. I can say one thing, though. My budget is in a shambles right now and I have recently incurred the expense of before and after-school care for my kid. So. . . In theory I am too broke to eat out. Now if I can just stick to that, maybe it'll help a little.

Of course I just ate frozen pizza and bacon for dinner. But I did an hour at the gym this morning! I know, that doesn't really even out, but at least I didn't eat that crap and sit on my butt all day.

(Sigh)

Satan Made Me Do It!

I found this on the net, titled "The Genesis Diet"

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super-size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored candies to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained more pounds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Satan."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Food Log: D6

Footlong Grilled Chicken breast sub from Subway (w/ three slices of tomato, lettuce, and mayo).
1/2 a package of bologna (the really bad for you cheap kind)
3 sticks of string cheese (they were taunting me late at night)
Bowl of Alphabits cereal
1 1/2 Dr. Peppers (fountain soda - I'm weak I know it)
3 handfuls of bitesize Twizzlers

I found this on a blog titled Style Matters(TM) (really, this is trademarked? Whatever.) which is written from Denver. I'm not including a link because I don't actually want to promote the site. Here goes:

"To me, Beyonce and Jessica Simpson are both chunky, not what’s expected of sex-symbol stars. They are both probably in better shape than most of us, but I wouldn’t want their thighs. Honestly, would you? (At this point I'm going to pause in the story to respond with, "Fuck yeah, I'd love to have a figure like either one of them, bitch!) The press seems to attack Jessica more than Beyonce. I’ve heard that African American women worry about their hair and white women about their thighs. Maybe that’s why there is more emphasis on Jessica. (Can someone explain this to me? Exactly what conclusions are being drawn here?) Whatever you think of their bodies, we wouldn’t be having this conversation if they were men, think of Ruben Studdard". (Well, isn't that the truth!)

These were not the two pics included of the aforementioned stars, however these did pop up elsewhere as "fat examples" of the two ladies. Anyone who thinks this is fat needs to have their head examined!

Food Log: D5

Bowl of Raisen Bran
1 fried egg and piece of toast
Footlong turkey sub from Subway (w/ two tomato slices, lettuce, and mayo)
2 packages of Stroganoff

Food Log: D4

Chinese take-out (Sweet and sour chicken, white rice, and crab rangoon)
Bowl of Raisen Bran
Leftover handburger patty
Mountain Dew

I can't remember what else!

Ban the Muffin Top

Skinny women, fat women, and in-between women all seem to fall prey to the Muffin Top phenomenon at alarming rates. With my most recent weight gain I am starting to sport one myself and that cannot happen!

Down with MT!

So here's the question to the woman on the left: Doesn't that hurt?? I know that my pants have gotten quite tight and it feels absolutely unbearable to me. And to the woman on the right: Do you not feel the breeze or see the marks of the waistband on your skin when you disrobe? Do either of these things not clue you in?

In my opinion, there is nothing worse than a person who makes them self look fat when they really aren't. Trust me, sister, it isn't a club you wanna belong to.

Peace out.

Food Log: D3

2 bowls of oatmeal
1/2 a Dr. Pepper (I just craved the taste of it)
1 slice of leftover buffalo chicken pizza
single serving of vanilla ice cream (hey, at least I didn't buy a whole carton!)
Bowl of Raisen Bran cereal
Bowl of Corned Beef (I've never had corned beef before, but it tastes pretty fatty and salty to me so I'm sure it is evil for you.)
Turkey sandwich - lettuce, two tomato slices (don't really like them) and mayo (not as much as usual, but my "usual" is extra, extra)

Food Log: D2

Bowl of cereal - Alphabits
Macaroni and Cheese (box -with way too much butter as always)
Pretzel bites, cheese dip, and medium soda at the mall (boo!)
Chicken alfredo leftovers
Tons of apple juice

Starting with the Numbers

Granted this is all very generalized info, I was just curious where I'm starting from. According to a particular website my BMI is 32.9 and I burn 2,392 calories at my current weight. I have no idea what I typically consume, but just for grins I might total it up one day soon just to know what my starting point is. But other than that I really hate this whole game of numbers. So I'm still sticking with the basic premise of eat better and move more.

Food Log: D1

Mountain Dew
2 Cheeseburgers (homemade, not fast food)
Macaroni and Cheese
3 bites of Chicken and broccoli Alfredo
3 pieces of homemade (by a friend) pizza

The Doctor's Scale

I don't even know what to say. I fell off the wagon then thought I was getting back on, but never got around to posting again and then everything just fell by the wayside. I have no excuses and so here I am months later starting all over again.

A couple weeks ago I found myself in the doctor's office and, of course, they saw fit to weigh me.

222 lbs.

The nurse said, "Oh, don't worry we knock a few pounds off to account for the clothing you are wearing." Riiight, because that makes it all better, doesn't it? This is officially the heaviest I have ever been. I call 195 lbs. my "floor weight" - meaning that the last time I tried to loose weight, I couldn't break that 195 barrier. A male friend of mine who uses his lunch hour to work out at the gym said he was told he could lose 50lbs by the end of August (gaining 10-15 lbs of muscle) with his current regimen. Damn, why don't I have an employer with a health club on the premises?

Anyway, he's one of my best friends and while we don't discuss weight issues (our convo was a one time thing), I can't let him get all fit and leave me in Fatsville.

I actually feel a little despondent saying, "Maybe this time I'll stick with it." Who knows. It is what it is.