That Familiar Ache

Oh crap.  This weekend I had that familiar ache - that uncomfortable, kind of itchy feeling in the back of my knees.  The feeling I get when I'm gaining weight again.

I know I started eating like crap again and still haven't worked out.  I keep saying, "Just today and I'll start fresh tomorrow", but tomorrow never seems to come.

Boyfriend vs. The Brown Sweater

I have this brown sweater that my boyfriend hates with a passion.  The last time he was at my house and saw it laying around he threatened to cut it up.  Personally, other than being a little bland (it is just plain brown) I think it is just fine!  In fact it can be worn with dress pants for work or jeans on the weekend.  It is comfortable and, best of all, the sleeves are elbow-length and cover my upper arms.

So over the weekend I made him come to the mall with me to find a replacement.  The deal was if he could find something that he liked and it could transition from work to casual, then I'd buy it no matter the cost and get rid of the brown sweater.

Armed with a coupon for Lane Bryant we set out.  Macy's, JC Penny, Torrid, and Lane Bryant later he came to a conclusion,
"You are too " in between" to make anything work.  The regular clothes are too small and the big girl clothes are too big to make it look good.  That woman who just walked by looked good in her outfit, but she was at least twice your size.  So you either have to chunk it up or take it off to make this work."

I still can't decide if that was completely depressing or kind of hopeful.

Fuck Skinny Jeans

I almost had a heart attack last night.

I got home from work, changed into jeans and a t-shirt, and went grocery shopping.  The jeans were tight.  Like suck it in, muffin top city kind of tight (don't worry, I threw on a hoodie to disguise it).  By the time I got home I was so uncomfortable I was ready to throw a fit.

No, I haven't started to move yet (ie: workout), but I've been doing so well in cutting down on the fast food and paying attention to my portions!  I can't believe my jeans are so damn tight!  Arrrrgh!

I shucked them off, pouted my way into some baggy pj's, and then...

...I looked at the label.  They were my old jeans (as in a size smaller than I am now).  Ohhhhhhh.  :-|

Keep on Truckin'!

This morning on the way to work I was starving, because I didn't make time for breakfast.  My brain said, "Don't do it!", but my hands guided my car into the McD's parking lot.  There was a gentleman walking across the lot with a soda and bag in his hand and he had a "dunlap"...as in his gut done lapped over his belt.  So I pulled a U-turn and kept going.

Hold the applause, because 5 minutes later I actually got in line at the Dunkin' Donuts drive-thru close to my work.  That's not a place I even eat at!  I was just sooo starving and I knew I had nothing at work except a 1/2 gallon of milk to hold me until lunch.  Mind you my lunch is at 2pm!

But looking at the choices on the DD menu, it couldn't have been much different than eating at McD's.  So I pulled out of there, too!

I drank some of the milk (which I think was starting to go bad - yeck!) mixed with an instant b-fast powdered drink (which I only bought thanks to a free coupon).  It tasted like crap, I was starving at lunch, and then I ate a slice of chocolate cake at tonight's work meeting.

I'm not sure that any of my denial paid off in the long run!

Time to Eat. Again.

Can I just say that I don't really like food?  There's that saying: "Some people live to eat and some people eat to live."  I am definitely in the later category.

People make a lot of assumptions about overweight folk and the number one assumption is that fat people love food.  Truth is, I think not liking food is just as big of a hurdle to loosing weight as if I were in love with my plate.  I don't like to cook, I don't want to cook, I think cooking is a great big hassle.  I hate thinking about food all the time.  I despise trying to put together a grocery shopping list.  Planning a meal practically puts me to sleep.  Eating is rarely pleasurable for me.  All that makes for one hell of a hurdle.

Right now I'm sitting here typing and watching Dancing with the Stars (love that show!) and I don't know if I should eat or not.  I last ate around 2:30pm so in theory I need dinner.  In fact since I'm headed to bed soon, I should have eaten long ago except that I wasn't hungry.  Now I'm mildly hungry, but don't have a taste for anything.

Sigh.  Time for a banana then bed.

Don't Call Me Sweet Pea

I ran out of time this morning to eat, so I had to grab breakfast at Subway.  Egg white and provolone English muffin.  I'm proud to say I got the usual lettuce and tomato and this time added spinach!

The back story:  Once upon a time I hated tomatoes.  The only form I'd partake in would be ketchup, pizza sauce, etc. but I'd run away at the threat of a fresh slice of tomato.  It took years, but I finally introduced tiny diced up pieces mixed very sparingly into my food (casseroles and such).  Because I know it is good for me, I've managed to work my way up to getting lettuce and tomato on all my sandwiches.  Since they always talk about eating "leafy greens", I thought fresh spinach didn't look too intimidating.  Sadly, I actually had to ask what it was as I'd never seen spinach that wasn't served on a school lunch tray looking like a pathetic jumble of seaweed.  I mean, I thought that's what it was, but I had to ask to be certain (how pathetic!).

Overall, I suppose it won't kill me.

I didn't say that

Uh, where did those hyperlinked words come from in the last two posts?  They weren't linked yesterday and I didn't change a thing.  Hmmmm...hope to fix soon.

Nevermind, fixed it. . . bloody spyware!

Full (adjective)

Complete, sated, satisfied, sufficient, not empty.

Today I did very well in terms of portion control.  I didn't starve myself, but I didn't stuff myself either.  I ate breakfast at home (woo hoo!  No McD's for me!), then was really hungry before lunch, so I had a bottle of water and a granola bar.  Okay, only 1/3 of the granola bar because it tasted like cardboard.  Lunch consisted of leftovers from home and then I did eat out for dinner, but it still wasn't too bad.

Where did I eat dinner?  Um, The Pig Pit. 

Haha. . . they have good BBQ sandwiches, but I even refrained from that!  I had the grilled chicken with seasoned fries (okay, that's a boo moment), and gave away my macaroni salad.  Overall, I'm pleased because I didn't feel guilty about how much I ate AND I didn't touch fast food once.  So there!

This image taken from pilkipedia.co.uk. . . I consider this educational in nature, so no suing over copyright crap, okay?

A not-so-funny thing happened on the way to the airport

I took a mini-vacation by extending my Labor Day weekend.  I had a week off work, but 3 of those days were spent traveling.  I spent my time visiting relatives in distant states.  Now I need a "fun" vacation. . . you know, like a cruise!

Anyway, as I was leaving for the airport I noticed that the mail had arrived including a letter from my doctor.  I just had a physical done and the letter had my blood test results.  Everything was within normal range except for my blood sugar.  It is a little high.

The notes at the bottom said, "Recommend diet and exercise as previously discussed."  Wait a minute!  I brought up the subject of proper diet and excise at my appointment.  I basically walked in to say, "I need help!  I keep giving up, I have a hard time doing it on my own, blah blah blah."  I really didn't get any help from the doctor. . . just a "yup, you gotta just do it".  And what is a proper diet for high blood sugar anyway?  And at what point does "high" turn into diabetes?  Now I'm just full of questions.

I googled diets for high blood sugar and they all assume that you have diabetes.  Should I be following those guidelines or no?  I'm not really sure.  And I don't binge on sugar anyway, so what the hell is going on?  The only concrete info I feel that made any sense was this:  carbohydrates turn into sugar in the body.  Okay.  Also high blood sugar thickens the blood and the brain (trying to thin it) signals that you are thirsty to encourage water consumption.  Water consumption, however, is a false solution, so the only thing accomplished is that you pee more.  Great.  I have been thirsty lately.  Or maybe I'm just paranoid because I've heard that you are already slightly dehydrated by the time you feel thirsty.  So maybe I'm just paying more attention to my drinking habits.  Or maybe I'm 6 months away from sticking myself with a needle every day.  I just don't know!

Screw the A/B Crowd

Thinspiration.

I think that is a really great sounding word.  It reminds me of the time I taped a picture of Jennifer Garner to my fridge to remind me what I really wanted to look like.  That was back during her Alias days.

But, alas, the A&B crowd (meaning the anorexics and bulimics) use the term in a completely frightening way.  Go ahead, I dare you to Google "thinspiration" pics.  I just might have nightmares till I'm 40.

PS.  Eating disorders are very serious business and I'm not making light of the situation.  If you or someone you know is pro- "ana" or "mia", get help FAST.

That Looks Tasty

Tonight I got up from the sofa and spied what appeared to be an M&M or Reese's Pieces (Piece?), so I picked it up and tried to bite into it...

it wasn't candy. It was a bead.

Knowing my kid, it was probably something he picked up in a parking lot somewhere.  Gross.

Does that taste good?

I'm practically knawing off my fingernails waiting for my lunch break to begin.  I was too rushed to make anything this morning so I have to eat out and I'm starving!  This is one of those days that I would normally drive thru McD's and get a chicken sandwich and a McDouble and a coke.  Criminy!  That's probably my entire calorie intake for the entire day!

You know me and I can't really do the calorie counting thing, but the med student following around the doctor yesterday did calculate that eating 1800-1900 calories a day would maintain me at my current weight.  There is no way in hell I can eat less than that right now, so I've got to hurry up with the reintroduction of exercise to my day.

Lunch in 5, so wish me luck!

Back in the Saddle Again

I'll have to do a proper update later, but here's the quickie version:

My gym is getting rich off of me, because I haven't been in probably a year.  I am, again, at my heaviest weight of my life.  I'm addicted to fast food, sodas, and (since it is summer) ice cream.  Time to start from scratch again.

I had a doctor's appointment for a physical this morning during which I asked for help in losing weight.  Should drugs be considered?  Could we schedule quarterly follow-ups just so I'd have someone to be accountable to?  Basically, I was told that unless I had a thyroid problem (which I'm sure I don't) then there is no reason why I can't lose weight if I just do the work.

Duh.

But my walking buddy pooped out on me after just 2 walks together.  My gym buddy only made it with me once before quitting the gym.  My roommate didn't make one single farmer's market trip with me.  My boyfriend hasn't lost a single pound either.

What I'm saying is that I have no support system and was hoping to use frequent doctor's visits as motivation.  But no such luck.

One tiny success today: I only ate out once.  I got a breakfast sandwich from Subway (egg white, swiss, lettuce, tomato, and mayo on an english muffin).  And I only drank one soda. . . the one passing through my lips right now.

I was hoping my first post back would be full of energy and enthusiasm and determination, but I really feel a little deflated tonight.  Sorry, guys.